margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm like, not good at living.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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