Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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