I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize