I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
