Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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