Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
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