Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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