Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
