I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
