I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
