i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
