i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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