i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize