I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
