also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
