I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
