3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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