It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
