I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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