We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just gargled with NyQuil
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
