So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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