Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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