Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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