is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Randomize
