Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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