last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
