we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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