the condom got lost in my hair
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
