If i could tip my vagina, i would.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
