it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
