I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
