Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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