if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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