This is not my ceiling
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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