is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I want to be your penis for a week.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Randomize
