____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
