I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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