he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
