i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just found puke in my bra..
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
