Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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