Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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