So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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