sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
