My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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