a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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