I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
