I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
