I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
