How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
