I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
