I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
