he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
