Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
