Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
