if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
