there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
