WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
