I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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